PROVE THEM WRONG.

Am glad there's someone a little more liberal here, someone who wouldn't judge you according to the people you talk to, whatever you say. It's just great to know someone like that exists, even if you don't get to talk much. Someone I don't know too well said I seem like I don't care about what others think of me, I guess I don't give a damn if they think I'm weird. Because I am. Just that when it comes to things like character and stuff, I'm not really sure. It's hard to tell if there's really a problem with your personality, or that they're just personality clashes. Or a difference in values.

On a lighter note, today's a rather good day because I feel my brain's functioning well for the first time in three months. Thanks to coffee. Maybe it really is the lack of sleep that's killing me and not any case of mysteriously disappearing IQ. 4am nights aren't the way to go huh. I don't even know what I do.

A box contains me. 

The strong urges to speak, they're all me. Inside the box.

People see the box because the lid doesn't want to be opened.

There's something dying to spring out but the lid wouldn't budge.

And that is all there is to this self, what people see,

a plain box.

It feels like I'm trying time and time again to be somebody I'm not. There's something pulling me to 'step out of my boundaries', yet I can't fit into that mold well. But I still try anyway, and I do not know why. Trying hard to prove to myself that I can be responsible I guess.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :(

1 Why do we need people to know who we are, or share with everyone whatever we're thinking/whatever we like? Let's just keep silent and let in the ones who are genuinely interested.

2 I shouldn't have brought topics back to my opinions so often. it must've been an attempt to tell you who I am. That didn't work.

3 Talk about the impossibility of total connection.

4 i realise i have made you the benchmark of all my friendships. We had a year to forge our friendship, but I don't know if it's possible to find anything like it here. It's sad how I always take you for granted.

5 and you. You should stop talking about yourself all the time.

Realise the importance of grounded values.
elaborate someday.

Somehow the meaning of attending social events got lost.
Or it was never there to begin with.
But I have succumbed to social pressure
and tonight I'll go with the people I like.
I'm just thinking if it's okay to do things as long as I'm with them,
or if I should stick to what I'd prefer doing.
Do so alone or with anyone.
I do not know if doing what I like is more important, or having people around me is more important.

1) There's nothing you can do about it

2) Accept it or ignore it.

and there goes sadness. 

This is not me.

6:25am

The rest are asleep, Ann on my bed and the others on the sofas. I have unpacked my things and installed the lights and I am tired, but there's something to pen down. I watched the rest drink and felt glad to be the sober one noticing their needs just now.

I don't like getting drunk and sleepy (therefore uninvolved) and I don't like big groups. There is one thing from today I will remember from today; not the silly entertaining staggering guys or flushed faces you can find during every drinking session anyway, but what z said before I left the room. That I say yes too easily, often give that 'blur' face, and the rest can be elaborated on with ease. I need more 'character'. I need to be more careful. It's like having the very reason why I'm so troubled lately right in front of my face. I appreciate the honesty.

My birthday letter with the words "you have to be more grounded" hinted slightly to the plain fact that I can't say no. Now I fully get it. My lack of commitment to things, how I flit around different people. Not being able to say no when someone new asks me out even though i'm with another group of people, letting them say whatever they want. Not that I was like that all throughout the first two months of my university life - i just somehow lost the need to let others know who I am and what I'm thinking. and slowly forgot what are the things I want as well. It feels as though nobody knows who I really am. Anything goes.

Anything goes. I don't know if it's that I'm accepting or that there are too many things I can't be bothered to make a stand about (i have to know what i want and the rest don't). But whatever it is, I just don't make my stand known. Like it's okay to do things I've never wanted to do, to let them post rubbish on my fb wall (ok honestly it's quite amusing). Is it? I hate letting them know who I am and telling them what I want. It makes me feel selfish and self centered. Also because I hate missing out on things and being left out if I don't join any programmes.

And then there are the kinds of people I am more inclined to talking to. There are the nice, easy going, soft spoken kind (that can be thinkers) I'm not compelled to speak to no matter what. And the opposite kind of people I talk to/want to be. Sadly people think I fall into the first category. I should speak more. But I don't want to get things my way, and I don't want to speak.

So tired. Leave the rest for another day. Thanks z for saying that.

6:58 am

can't talk to more than one person at a time.
want to curl up into a ball and tell someone that's me.
the one inside.

Am disappointed in the person i am now.
I need to get my life in order.

"stay grounded". Grounded.
Life is not just about getting by and floating around.
What exactly do I stand for?

just a notice to say this won't be dead. school's starting in 1 hour 20 minutes.